that glass heart that rested in my chest

Wed, 04 May 2005 02:47:54 GMT

i feel as though i am losing my friends, we never talk anymore (which is partially my fault).... i just feel like everyone has something in there life that has become more important and i am just here, the guy to say hi to and then off they go. I duno... i really don't know how to explain how i feel right now... whatever

Would you believe me if I said that we are the ones who can make the change in the world today.

Wed, 27 Apr 2005 02:48:06 GMT

i want to start a worship team... nothing big, just some people that are willing to go out to some random places and just worship... you down... send in a application type thing.. tell me who you are, what you play(or if you sing), when you are able to go out, and any other information that you think is needed..

yeah... thats all

Which side are you gonna choose?

Mon, 11 Apr 2005 06:00:03 GMT

001. Spell your name: Brian 002. Spell your name backwards: Nairb… wanna know a fun one… spell Naomi backwards (Got that from Van Wilder) 003. Date of birth: August 1. 1989 004. Male or female: Male 005. Astrological sign: Leo 006. Nicknames: Loaf, Skylar the Destroyer (S.T.D) 007. Occupation: Student 008. Height: 5'9ish 009. Weight: 128 010. Hair color: Natural is brown, gunna be changing like no other again 011. Eye color: Blue 012. Where were you born? Long Beach 013. Where do you reside now? Downey 014. Age: 15 015. Screen names: shadowxofxdreams 016. E-mail: anti_cide@yahoo.com 017. What does your screen name stand for: there are dreams in life we don't think are possible, so we leave them in the shadows 018. What is your XANGA name: - 019. What does your XANGA name stand for? - 020. Pets: 2 Doggies 021. Number of candles you blew out on your last birthday cake: 15, look back to my age... duhh 022. Piercings: Ears 023. Tattoos: not till i am 18, promissed my mom i would take her when i got my first one 024. Shoe size: 9 025. Righty or lefty? righty 026. Wearing: NIV shirt, boxer briefs 027. Hearing: Thursday 028. Feeling: Sore... Wanna give me a massage?? 029. Eating/drinking: nuffin ~Friends Stuff~ Which one of your friends is the.... 030. Funniest? all of my friends are Freaking Hilarious 031. Loudest? Amy... in a good way 032. Nicest? Linda and Jenn 033. B***hiest? dunno 034. Life of the party? Xzibit.. get it.. “I’m the life of the party, gotta mean hook, to rattle your body” 035. Jock? Camron 036. Prep? ?? 037. Rebel? J-Yo 038. Cutest? Uhhh… no Comment 039. Best friend of the same sex? My LTFizzle Bros 040. Best friend of the opposite sex? Hmm… they really don’t like me so, I guess I don’t have one 041. Most popular? All my friends are popular 042. Rudest? dunno 043. Most shy? Good question 044. Dumbest? Nellie hahaha 045. Smartest? Gudy, yasser, and trevor 046. Weirdest? Tim Borzi 047. Has the best hair? Why do I care 048. Best personality? All my friends have Great ones 049. Most talented? John McClain 050. Most ghetto? Charlie hehe, Love yah broham 051. Most spoiled? Not sure 052. Drama queen? My sister 053. Pain in the butt? No comment 054. Craziest? TOMMY and Kirk 055. Best advice giver? Scott M, Scott S, and Jason Parks 056. Druggie? ??? 057. Most likely to join a cult? ??? what the frick kind of question is that?? 058. Have you lost touch with a good friend recently? Yeah 059. Person you've been friends with the longest? Kirk 060. How many friends do you have on your buddy list? 175 ~Girls/Guys/Love/Kissing/And Other Stuff~ 061. Have you ever been in love? Yes, with my savior and family 062. How many people have you told "I love you"? meaningful, my family… I think, friends all the time 063. How many people have you been in love with? Look up 2 questions 064. How many people have you kissed? What kind of kiss? A question with a question… OHH YEAH!! 065. Have you ever kissed someone of the same sex? Well… not lips, but like the “Family” cheek kiss thingy 066. How many people have you dated? Uhhh… not sure, relationships is another Short, short story 067. What do you look for in a guy/girl? Where their relationship with God is 068. What's the first thing you notice about the opposite sex? eyes 069. What type of guy/girl do you usually go for? Girls at church 070. Do you have a bf/gf? nope 071. If so where did you meet them? 072. What do you like most about your bf/gf? 073. Do you have a crush right now? yesss 074. If so who is it? Not telling 075. Do you believe in love at first sight? Nope 076. Do you remember your first love? “dumb question” agree with hammy 077. Who is the first person you kissed? Theresa 078. Do you believe in fate? kind of 079. Do you believe in soul mates? I believe God made someone out there that I will spend the rest of my life with, until death… I want mine to be like Bryan and Gays, they had the best marriage ever 080. If so do you believe you'll ever find yours? I sure hope so. 081. Are you a virgin? UNTIL MARRIAGE!!! ~Family Stuff~ 104. How many siblings do you have? 2, Love you Steven 105. What are your parents names?: Cherie and Steve 106. What are your siblings names? Kelli and Steven 107. How many siblings does your mother have? 3 108. How many siblings does your father have? Whooo Nellie!!! Uhhh, can I borrow your fingers and toes?

DEATH UPON YOU!!

Mon, 07 Feb 2005 04:59:42 GMT

i put this on my xanga a while ago so yeah.... fill it out

What Would You do if...
I cried:
I said I liked you:
I kissed you:
I was hospitalized:
I ran away from home:
I got in a fight and you were there:
I got dumped:
I pissed you off:

What Do You Think Of My...
Personality:
Eyes:
Face:
Hair:
Clothes:
Voice:
Humor:
Choice of music:
Mannerisms:
Family:
Friends:
Decisions:

Would You...
Be my friend:
Tell me the truth no matter what:
Lie to make me feel better:
Spread rumors about me:
Keep a secret if I told you one:
Loan me some cash:
Hold my hand:
Take a bullet for me:
Keep in touch:
Try and solve my problems:
Love me:
makeout with me:
hold me in times of need:
Have sex with me:
Ditch me:
Use me:
Date me:
Rape me:
Beat me up:

Yasser made me comment on his... i wana see what you guys think of me

Sun, 09 Jan 2005 21:40:22 GMT

01. who are you, what's our relationship:
02. how and where did we meet:
03. what's my middle name:
04. how long have you known me:
05. tell me one good thing about myself:
06. when you first saw me what was your impression:
07. my age:
08. birthday:
09. my favorite band at the moment:
10. colour eyes:
11. do i have any siblings:
12. have you ever had a crush on me:
13. what's one of my favorite things to do:
14. do you remember one of the 1st things I said to you:
15. describe me in 3 words:
16. name 5 things i love:
17. do you think i'm good looking:
18. how would you describe me to someone:
19. would you ever date me:
20. tell me one thing you've always wanted to say but never did:
21: what do you like most about me:
22: if we could spend a day together what would we do:
23: have we ever gotten in a fight:
24: do you think we will be friends for at least 3 or 4 more years:
25. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
26. What do you think my weakness is?
27. Do you think I'll get married?
28. What makes me happy?
29. What makes me sad?
30. What reminds you of me?
31. If you could give me anything what would it be?
32. When's the last time you saw me?
33. Do you think our friendship is getting stronger/weaker/or staying the same?
34. Do you feel that you could talk to me about anything and I would listen?
35. Are you going to put this on your livejournal/myspace/xanga and see what I say about you?
36. If I was an ice cream flavor, which would I be and why?
37. What song (if any) reminds you of me?
38. If you could change one thing about me, what would it be?
39. Would you make a move on me?
40. Do I cross your mind at least 1 time a day?

Sat, 08 Jan 2005 01:25:45 GMT

It's just amazing how life can suck so bad.... how familys call fall be falling apart but put on the best act in the world like nothing is wrong.... i want to get away from all this... i need to get away for a while... sometimes i think running away will help, but i realize thats not how to deal with it... i just need to get away

Fri, 31 Dec 2004 03:02:12 GMT

spoke at the burn lastnight... t'was a bit scary
i hope if you heard it that it was helpful... i guess.. i really duno what i am talking about right now so i am guna go but yeah.... lates

Sun, 26 Dec 2004 06:22:18 GMT

Today was ok, it could have been way better... my whole family is just... uhhhh..... i mean, i love my family with all my heart, but they are just.. mad drama.... ah well..... so i hope you all had a merry CHRISTmas and remembered God

New years is soon and it looks like my Goal isn't going to be met... haha, i am a dork...

yeah well, i am out... lates

Mon, 20 Dec 2004 05:42:55 GMT

i am losing my dad and there is nothing i can do to change his mind.... please pray for my family... please

Tue, 14 Dec 2004 06:18:10 GMT

It's so nice sitting very still,
in a room where no one else can feel the pain that breaks my heart each day, I'm not ok.
Sunlight shining through my window, let's me know that I'm still alive
Why did I ever let you inside my heart? I'm such a fool.
Paint my face in shades of blood and grey and take a seat right next to me
Well I should've known that you were a killer.
But now I'm dead.

A gaping hole, shot through my heart
A lost connection from your poison dart
Shot from your tounge to end my life.
You're blowing at the fire to light your strife.

You'll never know.
The hardest thing about dying is, knowing you'll never see the light of day.

A gaping hole shot...(shot through my heart)
A lost connection from your poison dart.
My head now spins and my ears bleed gold.
I try so f-ing hard, but I can't fit your mold.

You ripped my heart out, you tore my eyes out, now you're gonna pay
I'll stab you one time.
I'll eat your heart out so you feel my pain.
Don't you know that I always see you in all of my dreams?
I wanna kill you.

so this song is really deep for me because i told you guys before that i haven't been able to sleep, this is why "Don't you know that I always see you in all of my dreams?". i have been seeing my past and kinda re-living it, i feel everything i felt when it all happend, like i am there, at that moment, again... it reaches all the way back to when i was about 11, when i was drinking, not something i am proud of, but that is my past, i have come so far. i hope that you not hold that against me, but thats only what i asked.... and it comes all the way up to my last mistake i made, kinda like i am showing myself what i could have done to make that situation better.... i duno what to say right now so i am guna stop writing, if you wana talk, hit me up on aim.. later

Mon, 13 Dec 2004 06:59:17 GMT

this weekend was okay. could have been better. i went to an off-road convention to help my uncle with his clothing line ( suckitupracing.com )... i was stund to see that people dress way better there than they do at my school, many beatiful ladies there.... haven't been able to sleep lately, i keep having these images and dreams that are..... uhhh.... well, i am guna try to get some sleep, i'll write more about the trip later.

Wed, 08 Dec 2004 05:11:52 GMT

i have some confessions to make, i'll post it all up soon

anyone i have hurt in the past, i am sorry

Sat, 27 Nov 2004 07:32:41 GMT

watching Aladdin again... in the dark, i know it sounds weird but it is comforting.... i find myself asking all these questions about life.... what am i here for, why am i alive, who is this God i have believed in all my life, why am i single, WHY AM I ME!! everyone tells me that if i need anything, just call, i want to call but i am scared to... Man, the lonelieness is really starting kicking in, i hate this, it just brings me down even lower..... i want someone to hold, i want someone who will be there to comfort me in the worst of times (like now), to cry to and not feel weird, to love...... who am i kidding, everyone knows that relationships and me don't work. So do i even try anymore? and even if i did try, i am not prince charming, i am not even that goodlooking. whatever, now that i am all lonely and sad i am going to go to bed... night

Quite weird... try it.... thanks Jen.

Sat, 27 Nov 2004 01:22:32 GMT

FOLLOW THE INSTRUCTIONS -
DO NOT CHEAT OR IT WON'T WORK AND YOU WILL WISH YOU HADN`T.

TAKE 3 MINUTES
TRY THIS - IT WILL FREAK YOU OUT.

NO CHEATING !!!!

THIS GAME HAS A FUNNY / CREEPY OUTCOME.
DO NOT READ AHEAD, JUST DO IT.

IT TAKES ABOUT 3 MINUTES - WORTH A TRY

1st. Get a PEN and PAPER

2nd. WHEN CHOOSING NAMES, MAKE SURE THEY ARE REAL
PEOPLE THAT YOU ACTUALLY KNOW

3rd. GO WITH YOUR FIRST INSTINCTS !!!!! Very important for good results.

4th. SCROLL DOWN

ONE LINE AT THE TIME DON`T READ AHEAD otherwise YOU WILL RUIN THE FUN.

1. On a blank sheet of paper, WRITE NUMBERS 1 through 11
in a COLUMN on the LEFT.

2.next to the NUMBERS 1 & 2,

WRITE DOWN ANY 2 NUMBERS YOU WANT.

DO YOU HAVE A FAVORITE NUMBER?

3. next to the NUMBERS 3 & 7,

WRITE DOWN THE NAMES OF TWO MEMBERS OF THE
OPPOSITE SEX.

CAUTION: DO NOT LOOK AHEAD or IT WILL NOT TURN OUT RIGHT

4. WRITE ANYONES NAME

(like FRIENDS or FAMILY...)
next to 4, 5, & 6.

DON`T CHEAT OR YOU`LL BE UPSET THAT YOU DID

5. WRITE down FOUR SONG TITLES in 8, 9, 10, & 11

6. Finally,

MAKE A WISH

ARE YOU READY?

HERE IS THE KEY TO THE GAME

1. THE NUMBER of PEOPLE YOU MUST TELL ABOUT THIS GAME
is found in
SPACE 2

2. THE PERSON IN SPACE 3
IS THE ONE YOU LOVE

3. THE PERSON YOU LIKE but your relationship CANNOT WORK is in
SPACE 7

4. YOU CARE MOST about the PERSON you put in
SPACE 4

5. THE PERSON YOU NAME IN NUMBER 5 IS THE ONE WHO

KNOWS YOU VERY WELL.

6. THE PERSON YOU NAMED IN 6 IS THE YOUR
LUCKY STAR

7. THE SONG IN 8 IS THE SONG THAT MATCHES WITH THE
PERSON IN NUMBER 3

8. THE TITLE IN 9 IS THE SONG FOR THE
PERSON IN 7

9. THE 10TH SPACE IS THE SONG THAT TELLS YOU MOST ABOUT
YOUR MIND

10. AND 11 IS THE SONG TELLING HOW YOU
FEEL ABOUT LIFE

11. NUMBER 1 IS YOUR
LUCKY NUMBER

POST THIS ON YOUR BULLENTIN
WITHIN AN HOUR OF READING THIS.
IF YOU DO, YOUR WISH WILL COME TRUE.
IF YOU FAIL TO, IT WILL BECOME THE
OPPOSITE

Being half dead wasn't what I planned to be

Wed, 24 Nov 2004 01:57:46 GMT

sitting at the computer and the only light in the room is coming from here... i don't want to wake up anymore, i am so lost and empty that i don't freaking even care anymore.... i am tired of days passing by and me acting happy... i want to sleep and dream forever, because even if it is just all in my mind, i am happy there, i know that things will turn out right, but that can't last forever, but i deal with nightmares, the nightmares where all is numb and all thats there is my past, as if i am strapped into a chair and i cant close my eyes, so i have to watch it... but these images are ones that make me remember life when it was good.... why can't life be like the storys we were told as a child, the ones where the princess is in trouble and the prince comes to save her risking all he has, and in the end they live happily ever after... waking up is what some people look forward to, waking up is what i dread.... leave me in my corner, leave me to my numbness, leave me to find....... me..... emotional and half dead, living to find answers... thats all thats keeping me going..... people are going to call me to ask me if i am okay because of this message, or they are going to ask me face to face.... read the message, do i sound okay?? no more "i am fine"'s.... because i am not... if you ask the question expecting me to say i am fine, i will tell you the truth, you ask me if i want to talk about it... i might... who knows

Then wake within a freezing sweat

Wed, 17 Nov 2004 01:16:40 GMT

Life is weird right now... it's so hard to find who i am right now, i don't know who i am, my life is a facade. i put it on everyday, and throughout the days that pass by i look for me... the real me.. not the exterior... but i am tired of looking, i tired of looking for me, i am tired of looking for someone who i can hold close and feel the safest with, knowing nothing can hurt when i am with her, i am tired of looking at picture of my brother and knowing he isn't coming back.... looking for or at any of these things makes me want to just punch the wall.... i am tired of the way people dress and act..... guys in tight shirts and girl pants, cussing like no other, girls wearing clothing which almost shows everything, their short skirts and their shirts that show off their bra's... let me tell you something, i am going to respect a female more if she is wearing a shirt that covers eveything and pants more that a girl is dressed in the fashion of today.... if you dress like you want respect, you are going to get it, but your not going to get it if you look like you don't care about your body... because thats how some guys are going to treat you......... i want someone to hold, to walk down the beach with, holding hand, or just sitting on a blanket and watching the sun set.... where is she.... where?

Fri, 12 Nov 2004 18:54:07 GMT

Crap man, CRAP!! i feel so bad, i am so sorry Yasser man. dude, i am so freakin sorry that that happend, and that everyone is worried about where they are guna play. Guys, we need to do what none of you wants to do, Apologize, who cares if he doesn't let you play there, atlest he might be easier on our bro. do to the fact i was there i am going to apologize, hopefully you guys will come with me..... and you guys i know Yasser is pissed too because it happend but you would be too if it was you that happend to you... don't hold that against him... thats all i really have to say...

Mon, 08 Nov 2004 02:53:02 GMT

I feel like a little Bon Jovi... what about you guys

Would you be content to see me crying
After all those little games you put me through
After all I've done for you you're lying
Wouldn't it be nice to tell the truth

Didn't somebody somewhere say
You're gonna take a fall
I gave you everything
Now here's the curtain call

Chorus:
Shot through the heart as I lay there alone
In the dark through the heart
It's all part of this game that we call love

Now you've come back here to say you're sorry
But I don't know who you're talking to
It could be the man I used to be, girl
But I've grown up and now I'm over you

Standing there just a live wire
With nowhere left to turn
You were gonna set the world on fire
When will you ever learn?

Chorus

Didn't somebody somewhere say
You're gonna take a fall
I gave you everything
Now here's the curtain call
And I'm shot...

Baby does what baby please
And baby must have what she sees
But not this time, the tables turned
Baby, you just got burned

Chorus

Tell me, princess, now when did you last let your heart decide?

Fri, 05 Nov 2004 04:31:55 GMT

Hey guys, sorry for the scare, i am much better. so yeah, went to the polo game, that was cool. we lost but hey, that ok. Frantones was fun, chillin with the homies... jup jup.

so yeah, now i am at home, bored, mom and sister went to wall-mart because last night they were there but had to leave for some strange reason....

man, i am lonely, uhh... i am guna go watch Aladdin... lates

o yeah, thanks for praying for me guys, thanks for everything

Four More Years!!

Wed, 03 Nov 2004 06:02:50 GMT

VIVA LA BUSH!!

Come on America.. Bush Bush Bush

one single thought, one single breath, one smoking gun and no regrets

Tue, 02 Nov 2004 05:35:54 GMT

i am going to make an apointment to go see the doc soon... and Yes Theresa, you can go with me... man, i woke up this morning and my chest felt sunken in, i wanted to yell..... killer shooting pains to the heart, uhhh.. watch, they are goin to tell me i have like cancer or something... can't look at it badly.. ok kiddos, i am out.. Lates

I'd scream this song right in your face if you were here

Sun, 31 Oct 2004 07:15:41 GMT

i duno whats wrong guys, my heart is hurting, litteraly, uhh.... like earlier, i was on the floor and i looked at my mom and it hit, my heart felt like someone grabed, squezed, and twisted it. freak man, it hurt so bad, everything slowed down, i wanted to pass out... i played it off like it wasn't bad, but ahhhh.... man... i am guna wait a while and see if it gets any better, don't wana freak my family out.. pray for me

So lets make this night be our best mistake

Fri, 29 Oct 2004 05:15:59 GMT

i wish i would have listened to the warnings..... they just kinda echo in my head now... giving up... one week wasn't supposed to hurt.... what can i do.. nothing.... nothing but live life to the fullest, cant let this little... whatever it was.. hold me back, i am still alive, that all that matters.... here is to what we had, and what we won't..... this is just another set back.... I still have friends, still have memories, still have God...

Why does Hello feel like Good-Bye?

Thu, 28 Oct 2004 05:12:32 GMT

i feel like i am just letting her go, like i am not fighting for it, like i am not struggling, is this the end? do i just watch it die? WHAT DO I DO! she doesn't think we'll work out, i just want to try to make it last, i don't want to just let it go.

See through this plague of flesh

Tue, 26 Oct 2004 23:21:01 GMT

Being sick suck man.... i am hurting and have like no energy

Yeah well, this weekend was FUN!!
-Saturday i painted some rooms and cleaned, then went to the Downey/Warren Game.... oh boy, then a bunch of us went to eat.
-Sunday was chill, woke up late because i was dead, so i missed church, then i helped clean more of the house and do some finishing toutches, after that, i went to Natalie's house.
-Monday after school was singing practice, i wanted to pass out like no other.
-today..... it was weird, indescribable

Yeah, other and sickness... Life is awsome